I Need a Tardy Slip

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Okay, I can admit it–I have a tardiness problem. I’m always late. Actually I’m not as bad as I used to be, but the child has consistently required more time to get out of the house than I originally thought. Although even when he’s not involved, I just can’t seem to get it together. Take Friday, for example.

I had a day-long seminar, which I was very excited about and didn’t even involve the Mouse. So I wake up on time, get ready, no problem. And then…

I start up my car and drive down the street, realize I forgot that I left my notebook at home

Retrieve said notebook, plenty of time to make it to the seminar

On the way to the freeway, the binging and flashing red light reminds me that I’m out of gas. Crap.

Get gas, still hoping to make it on time.

Freeway is no problem, but I decided to follow the given directions rather than input the address in my GPS or rely on my own experience–after all, I’ve been there before! Once!

Get off the freeway and make a right. Drive about a mile and a half and then think, “Hmmm, I should be here by now.”

Look up at street sign, realize I’m on the wrong street. If they start a little late I’ll only miss a few minutes.

Regret that I didn’t take the route I took last time I went there. Turn around to go back.

Pass the street I normally would have taken to get there. Good call! And I’m going to have to sneak in the back of the lecture hall so nobody sees how late I am.

Drive around the campus looking for the correct parking lot. All seminar materials reiterate that if I don’t park in the correct lot, I WILL BE TICKETED AND GOD HIMSELF WILL SMITE ME ON THE SPOT!

Third go-round of the campus including a detour where they closed an intersection specifically for this function. I hope I’ll make it to the second seminar.

Pull over halfway in the parking garage to check the map again. Piss off the guy behind me.

Park and see the parking permits other people have displayed. Must be the right place!

Don’t want to look like a dork on a college campus looking at a map, so walk in the direction I believe the building to be.

It’s not.

Walk back toward the correct building. Maybe I’ll make it in time for lunch?

Arrive at building, check in, take the wrong entrance

Find the ladies room. Not the lecture room. At least that will come in handy later, with my peanut-sized bladder.

Find the lecture room, but no more seats. Sit on the floor, having missed a full half-hour of the opening lecture.

Fabulous. At least I made it.

I’m wondering–is this tardiness thing a mom thing? Like the other day I was driving to a playdate and called the organizer, Mommica. The  conversation went like this:

Me: “Hey Mommica, I’m running behind. Just pulling into the parking lot now.”

Mommica: “Okay, I’m at the intersection of Late Lane and Really Late Road.”

Me: “Wait, isn’t that three miles behind me?”

Mommica: “See you there!”

In fact, there’s only one mom in the group who consistently arrives on time: Bruin Mom. And it’s easy to tell that Bruin Mom is there because she has a distinctive car. Bruin Mom has two children under 3 and is pregnant with another. Seriously, if I can’t even get myself and one child out of the house on time, I have no idea how she does it.

One time she came late to a meetup. When I didn’t see her car after I arrived late (of course), I wondered if I was at the right house.

I need a tardy slip for life.

Although one time I was driving down the freeway and saw a personalized license plate that said “ALWYS L8”  I mean, who thinks that’s a good idea? I can just imagine the police officer on the highway thinking, “Well a lot of people are speeding here, but look at that ALWYS L8 plate–I bet she’s late! I’m going to pull her over and give her a ticket just to make her later! I know I would.

I may have a tardiness problem, but at least I’m not dumb.

The Scrivener