I’m Not Pregnant–I’m Just Fat

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It’s Tuesday, so that means it’s time for Random Tuesday Thoughts! Here’s mine.

People will say anything. I used to think this was limited to the elderly, who, once they reach a certain age, seem to eschew all vestiges of social graces and personal boundaries and say whateverthehell comes to mind, because, “I lived through the Depression and you whippersnappers don’t know a thing, would you like another Werther’s Original?”

Obviously I'm carrying octuplets

However, once I got pregnant, I learned that apparently all bets are off when it comes to pregnant women and parents, and everyone gets to say what they want–and they won’t even offer you a Werther’s Original in exchange. Unlike many women, nobody rubbed my belly uninvited, for which I considered myself lucky. But the questions and comments–oy! I can’t even count the number of times people asked if I was having twins. I wasn’t. Mouse was just way out in front, but who asks that kind of question? I mean why not just cut to the chase and say, “Wow, you’re fat!”

Although I suppose that’s better than previous times when I’ve been asked if I’m pregnant and I actually wasn’t. All three times happened at the airport. I have an implanted medical device so I can’t go through metal detectors. I have to be patted down every time I go through security, which is super-convenient and I just love doing it. Not. Anyway, three different times, the TSA agent conducting my pat-down asked when I was due. The first time, I was so embarrassed I mumbled something and left as quickly as a could. The second and third times I realized that it wasn’t ME who should be embarrassed, so when the agent said, “When are you due?” I replied with, “Oh, I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat.”

Ha.

Let’s just say that I guarantee those women will never be asking that question again.

Now that Mouse is here, people constantly comment on his size. Mouse is a stout lad. At 14 months, he’s currently 28 and a half pounds. He was only 7 lbs. 7 oz. when he was born, but he didn’t waste any time packing it on and by his 3 month appointment he was already off the charts. I have to shop for him at the Baby Gap Big and Tall store.

Won't somebody please think of the chubby kids?

No, there’s no Baby Gap Big and Tall, but if there were, it would make my shopping a lot easier.

Anyway, I get comments on his weight all the time. Most of the time it’s, “What are you feeding him?” Now how am I supposed to answer that one? Especially when I give my standard answer, “Twinkies and steroids,” they look at me like I’m crazy–as if they think I really do give him Twinkies and steroids.

Food, people. I feed him food.

And then there are the comments about his future football career. I’m not really a football fan. It took me years to fully understand the rules of the game (why is the clock still ticking and they’re just standing around? Wait, why is the clock stopped now?). The thought of my precious son crouching over and running head-first into another former customer of Baby Gap Big and Tall makes me nervous. I mean look at their heads! That can’t be good.

Then again, a friend of mine whose daughter is teeny tiny was complaining about how everyone keeps asking her, “What are you feeding her?” as if she were deliberately starving her kid to death. I guess we just can’t win.

The Scrivener

Head on over to The Un-Mom for more Random Tuesday Thoughts

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12 Responses

  1. […] Read this article: I'm not pregnant–I'm just fat « Gen X Moms – Life as a mom after 30 […]

  2. Great post Shelby. As the brownish haired mom of a flaming red headed child I know I really enjoy having my morality called into question with the following “gee does your mailman have red hair?”
    For the record my filipeno woman maillady is NOT amused

    • Well Alisa, does your PAPERBOY have red hair???

      • Anyone who knows me knows the paperboy who hits our neighborhood at 4 am is not going to want to get with stank breath giant haired me in my puffy huge navajo print robe. If i actually had to PICK a window i was at my worst looking? About 4-6 am

  3. What I hated was when people asked me when I was due, AFTER I’d given birth. And I always had my son with me, so I would just hold him up and say “3 weeks ago”.

  4. I got padded down last month. Wonder if the girl thought I was pregnant. At my age 🙂 lol.

    Happy RTT.
    http://harrietandfriends.com/2010/03/aol-dialup-business/

  5. Great post, I seriously laughed out loud “Twinkies and steroids”.

  6. I get that with my 2 year old all the time and I just say he eats everything. I like to say I caught him gnawing on the cat the other day. What is up with people?

  7. Being obviously very pregnant right now I love it when people ask me when I’m due and I say “oh I’m not pregnant.” It’s hysterical to see the look on their faces! Although I don’t wait too long before I tell them I’m just kidding. And PS- My brother and I were “mailman red heads” too! I can remember asking my mom what that meant and she wasn’t able to explain it to my brother and I. LOL
    Thanks for the post Shelby : )

  8. Shelby, you never fail to make me laugh out loud at least ten times in any one article. LOVE this one!! Oh yeah, and where’s my Werther’s?

  9. Love it, love it, love it. As always, you make me slime.
    I asked a woman — once — when she was due. When she told me her son was 2, I was mortified. Apparently, because I remember. And I have never, never, never asked again. Even when someone is so obviously pregnant, they’re about to pop!
    The best story I’ve heard like this, though, was when my friend was being wheeled out of th hospital, having just given birth, when the orderly pushing the wheelchair looked at her and asked her if she was sure she had actually given birth!!! Makes me feel better about my 16-year-old self.

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