It’s time. I have to buy a new bathing suit. This isn’t an endeavor I approach lightly nor with little planning. How do I put it? I HATE bathing suit shopping. The main reason? I hate bathing suits. I don’t know whose idea they were, but they are really a modern day form of torture. But, warmer weather is fast approaching, and the day when the girls ask to get back in the pool is just around the corner. I’ve lost some weight, and my already slightly stretched out suits are not going to cut it for another season.
I went through the ads on Sunday, and saw that Target has every swimsuit on sale this week. If I have to buy one, at least it can be cheap, right? Armed with the knowledge of a potential bargain, I headed to Target yesterday.
Enter Exhibit A.
OMG, this is what I have to work with? Is that a bouquet of flowers pinned to a bra? Seriously? OK, so, yes, suits like this one left me feeling very, very old. I mean, do people actually wear suits like this? There were a myriad of similar little tops, covered with animal print and sequins and ruffles. After scouring all the choices, I found four somewhat age appropriate tankinis. They all covered my midsection (an absolute requirement!), so I figured I had a fighting chance of finding a winner. I was confident enough that I was willing to overlook the fact that my back would have been almost completely exposed in all of them. Then, I put the first one on. It was made for a boob-less toothpick! There was no way I would parade around in that at home, let alone in public.
My dear friend Apple hit the nail on the head when she said that no single item of clothing can make you hate yourself the way the female swimsuit does. There is no room for hiding any flaws, and they cause you to flaunt parts of your body that normally are not exposed to daylight. And, post-childbirth, they are even scarier than before, because there are a lot more spots to hide!
Unfortunately, my quest isn’t over. I left without a suit. I still need one, so there is more fear and loathing in my future.